Everyone has at least one friend they text “can you call me” when the place they are sucks and they want to leave it, but that automatic excuse to dip out of a room isn’t always available for a quick fake emergency conversation. Sometimes you get stuck.

So picture this: a phone number saved in your contacts as “Mom,” “Bae <3,” or anything else you can imagine that calls you within thirty seconds of receiving a text from your number number, 100% of the time. Guaranteed.

It’s perfect. Awful dinner conversation with your family? Text us. Stuck in an uncomfortable social situation with people you don’t know that well? Text us. Your roommate is blind to social cues and has overstayed his welcome in your room by more than five minutes? Fucking text us. We got you.

That’s great, you’re probably thinking, but how would this product make money? Easy. Advertising. The voice on the other end of the call has to be saying stuff. Why not make it say stuff advertising companies pay it to say?


“Hey! I need you to leave wherever you are RIGHT NOW so I can tell you about this crazy new shit I just saw on the internet. Tesla is making cordless electric car charging pads! That’s wild, right? Here’s how it works – “

Boom. This theoretical product has just been theoretically monetized. And by Tesla! That’s a big name!

I did my part, now you do yours – create this product!

And then Vemno me a tiny amount of money to appease me so I don’t have to have a real phone call with a real attorney to really fucking hurt you!

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