No one actually takes daily vitamins on a routine basis. People barely take daily birth control, and being pregnant on accident sucks way more than not having vitamins in your body. Honestly, to be completely frank, I have no fucking clue what vitamins actually do. Make you healthier? Maybe. I don’t know.

Either way, science says you need vitamins (right?) so the world might as well innovate the easiest possible way to ingest them. Introducing: vitamin toothpaste, the simplest way for you to consume all the nutrients you need without even trying.

What if, when you brushed your teeth every morning to get them all minty fresh for the coming day, you also infused your gums with a whole alphabet of vitamins: A, B, C, D, Z, Y, X, and Q? Everyone knows you need vitamin Q. It’s the most essential of them all.

That shit would sell like hot cakes. Picture a frazzled mother of three rolling a basket up the hygiene aisle at Walmart, looking for some of that minty brush brush for the three animals hanging off of her legs and wailing like dying coyotes. In her distracted state – that’s when we take advantage of her using loaded words like “organic, healthy, grass-fed, all-natural, from the source, nutrient providing Colgate 3000 Supreme Vitamin-Infused Toothpaste.”

The word vitamin alone would be enough to catch her attention. Add in “organic” and it’s game the fuck over. Stores wouldn’t even be able to keep up with the demand.

So, Colgate, this is my pitch to you: how about we make a few billion dollars together? I came up with the idea. The only job left is to hire some chemical engineers to figure out the logistics. So easy. Let’s say 1% of profits for the next ten years. Fair?

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