Picture this: you’re at a party, getting that tingling feeling on your lips that can only be solved by a splash of nicotine to the lungs. You reach for your vape…and as your hand touches it you remember the new FDA policy. It was enacted on September 1st of 2020. From that day forward, the law requires that every nicotine delivering e-cigarette be shaped like a dick. And so now, if you want to hit yours, you have to pull out a monster ten inch dildo with veins running up the side in front of everyone and suck smoke right out of the tip. There’s no way to hide it, and there’s no chance someone doesn’t take a picture of you with it pressed to your lips. So the tingling fades. You pull your hand out of your pocket and the vape stays in it. Boom. Nicotine addiction successfully combated.

There’s no better way to target an unhealthy activity than to make it look really fucking dumb. To make things even better, a vast majority of America’s vape addicted population sits in the exact demographic that would be most turned off by the social stigma created by dick shaped vapes. That’s right. I’m talking about douchebags. Vulnerable douchebags with insecurity issues who think it’s sick to have Juuls but who wouldn’t be caught dead with a throbbing penis vape in their mouth.

We could even up the stakes a little bit if this method wasn’t effective enough. After a year of the dick vape law, a new requirement could be enacted: to unlock a hit, vape users must stroke their dildo vape five times, and to charge it…yup. A kinetic charging system. You have to jack off your vape to charge it.

Problem solved. 90% of vape users erased.

I don’t even want profits for this one. The satisfaction of seeing it get passed through Congress is enough for me. So let’s get this thing moving! My goal is to have a Dick Vape litigation packet on the president’s desk within the next six months. Make my dreams come true, and together we can end the societal plague of nicotine-containing vapes!

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