The Truman Show is one of the sickest movies of all time. It’s about a guy (played by Jim Carrey) coming to the realization that his entire life is a reality TV show. Since the day of his birth…are these spoilers? Maybe. Stop reading if you haven’t seen the movie.

Since the day of his birth, his entire life has been broadcasted on TV. Every second of everything he’s done since he completed the original live-on-TV womb pop has been for the entertainment of a worldwide audience, and he has no idea.

I’m saying let’s do it, but without the ethical dilemma of the guy being broadcasted not knowing he’s being broadcasted. If we pitched that idea to the general population at least 100,000 bums around the world would be like “I’m down as long as I get paid.” I’d be down if I got paid.

And so every time you flipped on your TV, you could do a little check-in on the dude the entire world is watching. Is he eating Cheetos again? That guy fucking loves Cheetos. Is he working his boring ass job? I’ll watch so I can forget about how I’m supposed to be working my own boring ass job. Aw, look! He’s sleeping! He sleeps every night!

This is entertainment in its purest, most original form: people watching. And in the same way shown in The Truman Show, we too would begin to develop an emotional connection to our little man in the screen. We’d watch his boss being a prick and sit up on the edge of our seats, urging him to say something. We’d spectate him going on dates and cringe from secondhand embarrassment every time he did something awkward. We’d love him like he was our friend, because he kind of would be. You spend time with your friends. You watch them grow up and mature and eat Cheetos and sleep. You watch them sleep. Every night.

And you think Bachelorette referencing Tweets are annoying? This would be a million times worse. It almost wouldn’t be worth the trashing of my timeline.

So here’s my pitch: I’m not going to volunteer to be the guy unless the deal offers me a yearly salary of $1 billion or more, but I do want a small cut because it was my idea that I completely stole from a movie. All I’m asking for is 1% of the profits the show generates every year until the guy dies or I die, whichever happens first. Super reasonable, and I have a keg of billboard lawyer numbers on tap, so don’t test me.

Also, can you imagine how much Nike would pay to have this guy wear checks on his body every day, or how much Vitamin Water would drop on sponsoring to become his afternoon beverage of choice? I’m talking hundreds of millions of dollars in ad revenue every year. That’s Lebron James money. So much potential.  

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