Clout prostitution – a phenomenon in which people exchange their clout for money. Huge market. Largely untapped.

Picture this. You’re in New York City. You know who else is in New York City? An assload of celebrities. Our recently developed app has just been released and you have a beta version downloaded on your phone. What better place to give it a trial run?

The format is identical to Bumble, but with a few behind the scenes modifications. You still select range in miles and a few other matching factors, but on top of that, you place yourself in a price bracket. The options range from $10 to $100,000, and each celebrity registered with the app gets assigned to a bracket based on their popularity (determined by our algorithm).

On the bracket selecting page, each option includes a picture of an example celebrity alongside the price.

Beginner’s Bracket ($10 or less): Jaylen Hands, the #56 pick in the 2020 NBA draft

Bracket Two: ($10-25): Erik Per Sullivan, the kid who played Dewey in Malcolm in the Middle

Bracket Three: ($25-50): Jesse McCartney, an American singer

Bracket Four ($50-$100): Matt Leblanc, Joey from Friends

Bracket Five ($100-$250): Chadwick Boseman, an American actor

Bracket Six ($250-$500): Miley Cyrus, an American singer

Bracket Seven ($500-$1,000): Russell Wilson, the starting quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks

Advanced Bracket ($1,000-$10,000): James Harden, an NBA basketball star

Super Advanced Bracket ($10,000-$100,000): Beyoncé, an American singer

This is your first time using the app so you defer to the beginner’s bracket for your trial run. A loading icon pulses across the screen and then…boom, you’re face to face with Ricco, an American Tik Tok star. The price listed is $7.50, but you don’t recognize him so you swipe left. The next D-list celebrity to pop up is Kirk Minihane, host of a Barstool podcast. $9.

You kind of like his show but mostly you just want to see how the app works, so you swipe right – and it’s a match! An odd wave of empathy and sadness washes over you, but before you can process it a timer starts in the top right corner of the screen. You have one hour to figure out the logistics of meeting this guy for a picture or you automatically un-match.

“Hey,” you type, “I can meet in Times Square any time in the next hour if that works for you!”

Three dots pop up to indicate he’s typing.

“Sure, that’s fine. I’m actually at the Starbucks right now.”

Fast forward to after the picture is taken. You shake Kirk’s hand, walk away, and open our currently unnamed app. Kirk has already marked your meet-up as “Picture Taken,” and you do the same. Your registered credit or debit card is charged $9, most of which goes directly to Kirk, minus the small processing fee taken by the app, and a review page pops up: “How was your meeting with Kirk Minihane?” Five stars! This app fucking rocks!

You can only assume Kirk got the same review option for you, and you hope he rates you well. To qualify for brackets of more than $100, you have to have an average rating of at least 4.6 stars and ten completed celebrity meetings. Imagine entering the $10,000-$100,000 bracket just to see what your options are!

I see a lot of potential in this app, which is why I’d like to be involved in the creation of it with any app developer who thinks they’re capable of the task. So shoot me a message and we can get cooking in the science coding app computer technology lab!

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