If you were thinking about buying a new car you’d do some research first, right? Well, what if you googled the car you really wanted – your dream car – and Edmund’s, the top car reviewing website on the internet, said it was an unreliable piece of shit? That might change your approach to the whole vehicle buying situation, wouldn’t it?

Now imagine that, but for people. You really want to meet this guy. He’s so cute (or whatever girls think when they have a crush on someone), and he seems nice too! What a catch! How is he still single? You’re about to force a mutual friend to take you to a Facebook event he marked with “Going,” but a few hours before you submit to curiosity and search his name on People Yelp…and the results are shocking.

People Yelp has specific review categories, and you dig into every single one of them. You read Reviews From Friends, Reviews From Family, Reviews From Former Romantic Partners, Former Teacher Reviews, Employer Reviews, Coworker Reviews, Classmate Reviews, Casual Acquaintance Reviews…all of them. Every single one. And apparently, according to the general consensus and his overall calculated rating of 1.6/5 Stars, this guy fucking sucks.

His group project partners said he was a noncontributing bum. He cheated on three of his ex-girlfriends. He forgot to say happy birthday to his grandmother. In high school, he got fired from his job at Subway for showing up high.

Your perception might change a bit, right?

Your phone buzzes. It’s your friend. She’s following up on the logistics of getting to the event you bugged her into taking you to. Your eyes go back and forth between your laptop screen displaying a LinkedIn style profile picture of the man who was formerly your #1 love interest and the message you just received. You sigh and type up a quick text.

“We should do something else!”

And that’s the end of that. Instead of wasting hours of your day dressing up, putting on make-up, and attending a stupid event for the sole purpose of meeting some dick who sucks, you save your time. People Yelp saves your time.

This system would operate much like Rate My Professor – you’re not registering for a 0.6 when there’s a 3.5 available, and one simple search saves you a semester’s worth of hell. Imagine if you could hold that power for every people interaction in your life, from roommate searches to spouse searches to searches for new friends.  Pretty sick. Pretty useful.

The implications of a universally respected people reviewing website are profound. This is some Black Mirror type shit, but I’m all for it – so for it that I’m asking for 1% of ad revenue generated by the website in the first 25 years of its existence. And, of course, if you make it without giving me my cut, I’m paying 10,000 people to rate you zero stars for stealing from old people and punching kids. But good luck!

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