Mini Van Privacy Dividers For When Your Kids Are Being Annoying (#26)

“Mom! Mom! Mom!”

“Yes?”

“Mom! Can we get a snow cone?”

“Honey, we’re driving home from the ice cream place!”

Your eyes flick up to the rearview mirror and you see tears welling in your little angel’s eyes.

“But…but…”

Oh geez. Oh man. Fuck. Fucking shit.

“…but mom…I really want a snow cone…”

Nice. Your five year old future diabetic is about to throw the temper tantrum of the century unless you buy him sugar ice ten minutes after he shoveled a double chocolate brownie ice cream sundae down his throat – and that’s not going to happen. So what do you do?

That’s right. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for.

Last week, you and your husband trekked to a local car dealership and traded your ten year old Tahoe in for one of those new Honda Odysseys with a built in privacy divider designed specifically for moments like this.

You take one last glance at the pre-volcanic eruption tremors in your backseat just to confirm it’s actually about to be Mount St. Helens in this bitch. And it is. So you hold down a button and listen to the sleek noise of a 21st century soundproof divider rising a few inches behind your head. It’s one-way glass so you can still see everything going on back there, but you can’t hear a thing.

After five seconds, the sealing process is complete – now you can watch frantically waving arms and the face of a child hysterically wailing…but on mute.

Woah.

You’re two minutes away from your house, but at this point why not keep driving? Take a lap or two around the city to let him get his screams out so nap time starts with a little less resistance!

Great idea, right?

Remember, 1% of profits from installation fees!

Advertisements

Televised Gladiator Fights To Reduce Jail Sentences (#25)

It’s Friday night. You’re chilling with a friend in his living room and ESPN is blaring through his TV speakers. Right now it’s Joe Rogan’s voice, announcing the participants in a fight scheduled to begin in less than five minutes.

“Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have a special treat for you – the prison fight of the century. In one corner of the octagon, we have Jared from Subway, former sandwich spokesman turned pedophile here in an attempt to reduce his fifteen year sentence to thirteen years. Up against him is a man you might know from his hit song ‘Murder on My Mind,’ a highly incriminating rap about an actual murder he actually committed. That’s not a joke, ladies and gentlemen. He produced a song about a real murder and was surprised when it was used against him as evidence in court. You can’t make this stuff up. Here he is now, walking to the cage: YNW Melly, musician turned double murderer.”

Okay. I just re-read that and it sounds so sick. I’d pay-per-view that shit and I didn’t even pay for the McGregor-Mayweather fight because I was too cheap. Jared from Subway getting his ass kicked by a rapper who shot two people? Absolutely iconic.

The potential revenue this idea is capable of generating is unimaginable. UFC, the epitome of cage fighting, pulled in $600 million in 2018 – prisoner gladiator fights could double that. Easily. I’m talking a cool $1.2 billion.

Obviously there are hitches in this plan. That’s why it’s “Terrible But Kind of Good.” Would the public be okay with letting a child molester off easy because he won a fight against another criminal? Probably not. Would the judicial system be willing to amend itself to allow the televising of incredibly inhumane, unjust activities all for the purpose of turning a profit? Not a chance.

But maybe.

So someone with more power and influence than me needs to take this one to the top. That’s the only way it would work. And remember me when you get there! Don’t forget, 1% of profits every year for the next 25 years or the next person in the ring is you!

A Matching App That Finds Celebrities In Your Area Willing To Take Pictures With You For Money (#24)

Clout prostitution – a phenomenon in which people exchange their clout for money. Huge market. Largely untapped.

Picture this. You’re in New York City. You know who else is in New York City? An assload of celebrities. Our recently developed app has just been released and you have a beta version downloaded on your phone. What better place to give it a trial run?

The format is identical to Bumble, but with a few behind the scenes modifications. You still select range in miles and a few other matching factors, but on top of that, you place yourself in a price bracket. The options range from $10 to $100,000, and each celebrity registered with the app gets assigned to a bracket based on their popularity (determined by our algorithm).

On the bracket selecting page, each option includes a picture of an example celebrity alongside the price.

Beginner’s Bracket ($10 or less): Jaylen Hands, the #56 pick in the 2020 NBA draft

Bracket Two: ($10-25): Erik Per Sullivan, the kid who played Dewey in Malcolm in the Middle

Bracket Three: ($25-50): Jesse McCartney, an American singer

Bracket Four ($50-$100): Matt Leblanc, Joey from Friends

Bracket Five ($100-$250): Chadwick Boseman, an American actor

Bracket Six ($250-$500): Miley Cyrus, an American singer

Bracket Seven ($500-$1,000): Russell Wilson, the starting quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks

Advanced Bracket ($1,000-$10,000): James Harden, an NBA basketball star

Super Advanced Bracket ($10,000-$100,000): Beyoncé, an American singer

This is your first time using the app so you defer to the beginner’s bracket for your trial run. A loading icon pulses across the screen and then…boom, you’re face to face with Ricco, an American Tik Tok star. The price listed is $7.50, but you don’t recognize him so you swipe left. The next D-list celebrity to pop up is Kirk Minihane, host of a Barstool podcast. $9.

You kind of like his show but mostly you just want to see how the app works, so you swipe right – and it’s a match! An odd wave of empathy and sadness washes over you, but before you can process it a timer starts in the top right corner of the screen. You have one hour to figure out the logistics of meeting this guy for a picture or you automatically un-match.

“Hey,” you type, “I can meet in Times Square any time in the next hour if that works for you!”

Three dots pop up to indicate he’s typing.

“Sure, that’s fine. I’m actually at the Starbucks right now.”

Fast forward to after the picture is taken. You shake Kirk’s hand, walk away, and open our currently unnamed app. Kirk has already marked your meet-up as “Picture Taken,” and you do the same. Your registered credit or debit card is charged $9, most of which goes directly to Kirk, minus the small processing fee taken by the app, and a review page pops up: “How was your meeting with Kirk Minihane?” Five stars! This app fucking rocks!

You can only assume Kirk got the same review option for you, and you hope he rates you well. To qualify for brackets of more than $100, you have to have an average rating of at least 4.6 stars and ten completed celebrity meetings. Imagine entering the $10,000-$100,000 bracket just to see what your options are!

I see a lot of potential in this app, which is why I’d like to be involved in the creation of it with any app developer who thinks they’re capable of the task. So shoot me a message and we can get cooking in the science coding app computer technology lab!

Yelp But For People: A Comprehensive Review Site For Every Person On Earth (#23)

If you were thinking about buying a new car you’d do some research first, right? Well, what if you googled the car you really wanted – your dream car – and Edmund’s, the top car reviewing website on the internet, said it was an unreliable piece of shit? That might change your approach to the whole vehicle buying situation, wouldn’t it?

Now imagine that, but for people. You really want to meet this guy. He’s so cute (or whatever girls think when they have a crush on someone), and he seems nice too! What a catch! How is he still single? You’re about to force a mutual friend to take you to a Facebook event he marked with “Going,” but a few hours before you submit to curiosity and search his name on People Yelp…and the results are shocking.

People Yelp has specific review categories, and you dig into every single one of them. You read Reviews From Friends, Reviews From Family, Reviews From Former Romantic Partners, Former Teacher Reviews, Employer Reviews, Coworker Reviews, Classmate Reviews, Casual Acquaintance Reviews…all of them. Every single one. And apparently, according to the general consensus and his overall calculated rating of 1.6/5 Stars, this guy fucking sucks.

His group project partners said he was a noncontributing bum. He cheated on three of his ex-girlfriends. He forgot to say happy birthday to his grandmother. In high school, he got fired from his job at Subway for showing up high.

Your perception might change a bit, right?

Your phone buzzes. It’s your friend. She’s following up on the logistics of getting to the event you bugged her into taking you to. Your eyes go back and forth between your laptop screen displaying a LinkedIn style profile picture of the man who was formerly your #1 love interest and the message you just received. You sigh and type up a quick text.

“We should do something else!”

And that’s the end of that. Instead of wasting hours of your day dressing up, putting on make-up, and attending a stupid event for the sole purpose of meeting some dick who sucks, you save your time. People Yelp saves your time.

This system would operate much like Rate My Professor – you’re not registering for a 0.6 when there’s a 3.5 available, and one simple search saves you a semester’s worth of hell. Imagine if you could hold that power for every people interaction in your life, from roommate searches to spouse searches to searches for new friends.  Pretty sick. Pretty useful.

The implications of a universally respected people reviewing website are profound. This is some Black Mirror type shit, but I’m all for it – so for it that I’m asking for 1% of ad revenue generated by the website in the first 25 years of its existence. And, of course, if you make it without giving me my cut, I’m paying 10,000 people to rate you zero stars for stealing from old people and punching kids. But good luck!

Paid Entrance To A Privately Owned Island Where Every Drug Is Legal (#22)

Step 1: Buy a private island.

Step 2: Register the island with the UN as its own country.

Step 3: Ship in every drug known to mankind.

Step 4: Charge people to visit the island and try the drug(s) of their choice.

Step 5: Become the richest person on earth.

Literally so easy. I just googled “private islands for sale” and almost all of them are listed for less than $100 million. We can assume 10,000 very wealthy visitors would trek to the island in the first year and spend $1,000 on the entrance fee plus the cost of food and drugs, so you’re already at almost $20 million in revenue after the first 365 days. In four years MAX, you’d have your initial investment back, and every year after that you’d rake in eight figures. This might be the most reasonable plan in existence for becoming a multi-millionaire.

The only hitch I see is the whole UN registration thing. I’m not entirely sure how it works but if Canada got it done it can’t be that hard.

So someone get popping! I’m only asking for my usual 1% of profits, and in this case that’s a drop in the bucket compared to your 99%. Plus, we can be friends! Maybe! If you want! I’ll come visit your island!

The Real Life Truman Show: A TV Show That Broadcasts A Really Boring Guy 24/7 (#21)

The Truman Show is one of the sickest movies of all time. It’s about a guy (played by Jim Carrey) coming to the realization that his entire life is a reality TV show. Since the day of his birth…are these spoilers? Maybe. Stop reading if you haven’t seen the movie.

Since the day of his birth, his entire life has been broadcasted on TV. Every second of everything he’s done since he completed the original live-on-TV womb pop has been for the entertainment of a worldwide audience, and he has no idea.

I’m saying let’s do it, but without the ethical dilemma of the guy being broadcasted not knowing he’s being broadcasted. If we pitched that idea to the general population at least 100,000 bums around the world would be like “I’m down as long as I get paid.” I’d be down if I got paid.

And so every time you flipped on your TV, you could do a little check-in on the dude the entire world is watching. Is he eating Cheetos again? That guy fucking loves Cheetos. Is he working his boring ass job? I’ll watch so I can forget about how I’m supposed to be working my own boring ass job. Aw, look! He’s sleeping! He sleeps every night!

This is entertainment in its purest, most original form: people watching. And in the same way shown in The Truman Show, we too would begin to develop an emotional connection to our little man in the screen. We’d watch his boss being a prick and sit up on the edge of our seats, urging him to say something. We’d spectate him going on dates and cringe from secondhand embarrassment every time he did something awkward. We’d love him like he was our friend, because he kind of would be. You spend time with your friends. You watch them grow up and mature and eat Cheetos and sleep. You watch them sleep. Every night.

And you think Bachelorette referencing Tweets are annoying? This would be a million times worse. It almost wouldn’t be worth the trashing of my timeline.

So here’s my pitch: I’m not going to volunteer to be the guy unless the deal offers me a yearly salary of $1 billion or more, but I do want a small cut because it was my idea that I completely stole from a movie. All I’m asking for is 1% of the profits the show generates every year until the guy dies or I die, whichever happens first. Super reasonable, and I have a keg of billboard lawyer numbers on tap, so don’t test me.

Also, can you imagine how much Nike would pay to have this guy wear checks on his body every day, or how much Vitamin Water would drop on sponsoring to become his afternoon beverage of choice? I’m talking hundreds of millions of dollars in ad revenue every year. That’s Lebron James money. So much potential.  

A Law Requiring All Vapes To Be Shaped Like Dicks (#20)

Picture this: you’re at a party, getting that tingling feeling on your lips that can only be solved by a splash of nicotine to the lungs. You reach for your vape…and as your hand touches it you remember the new FDA policy. It was enacted on September 1st of 2020. From that day forward, the law requires that every nicotine delivering e-cigarette be shaped like a dick. And so now, if you want to hit yours, you have to pull out a monster ten inch dildo with veins running up the side in front of everyone and suck smoke right out of the tip. There’s no way to hide it, and there’s no chance someone doesn’t take a picture of you with it pressed to your lips. So the tingling fades. You pull your hand out of your pocket and the vape stays in it. Boom. Nicotine addiction successfully combated.

There’s no better way to target an unhealthy activity than to make it look really fucking dumb. To make things even better, a vast majority of America’s vape addicted population sits in the exact demographic that would be most turned off by the social stigma created by dick shaped vapes. That’s right. I’m talking about douchebags. Vulnerable douchebags with insecurity issues who think it’s sick to have Juuls but who wouldn’t be caught dead with a throbbing penis vape in their mouth.

We could even up the stakes a little bit if this method wasn’t effective enough. After a year of the dick vape law, a new requirement could be enacted: to unlock a hit, vape users must stroke their dildo vape five times, and to charge it…yup. A kinetic charging system. You have to jack off your vape to charge it.

Problem solved. 90% of vape users erased.

I don’t even want profits for this one. The satisfaction of seeing it get passed through Congress is enough for me. So let’s get this thing moving! My goal is to have a Dick Vape litigation packet on the president’s desk within the next six months. Make my dreams come true, and together we can end the societal plague of nicotine-containing vapes!

A Nicotine Quitting Package From Juul (#19)

E-cigarettes were originally designed to serve as both a healthier alternative to actual cigarettes and a means for quitting smoking altogether, but instead of decreasing the number of nicotine dependents listed on cancer’s tax return, they’ve exponentially increased it.

Two totally new populations of addicts have emerged from these clouds: chache high schoolers trying to look sick in front of their friends and bored college students looking for a substance other than cocaine to spice up parties and date events.

This wasn’t supposed to happen, and companies like Juul need to get back on track before they piss off the FDA enough for them to do serious brand damage via new litigation and anti-vaping campaigns.

That’s where our idea comes in: a nicotine quitting package that includes tiers of pods containing different nicotine content percentages with the ultimate goal of transitioning to 0% pods, and then dropping the vape game altogether. This would up the image of any company willing to take on the project, bringing in both serious revenue and positive reviews from the general population AND the FDA.

If you’re going to market yourself as a safe alternative, which is really the only option at this point, you need to at least try to make it look like that’s the goal. I get that the money is in the Supreme frockets of rich seventeen year old kids, but targeting them is a dick move. They’re vulnerable. That’s like going to a rehab facility and saying “Hey guys! Want some fucking e-crack? It’s like normal crack but through a vape so it’s better!”

A dumbass kid is just as vulnerable as a former heroin addict three days out from his last needle poke.

So quit pretending like we don’t see what you’re doing, e-cigarette companies. Or keep doing it alongside this so your image looks better and you still make a billion dollars every year. I don’t really give a shit, I just think this is a good idea. So good, in fact, that I’d like to open up a partnership with any company willing to run with it. My half of the partnership looks like this: I gave you the idea. And your half looks like this: you Venmo me 1% of the profits the idea generates for the next 15 years. Simple – and fun! Everyone loves Venmo!

Showers That Let You Select Water Temperature (#18)

Finding the perfect equilibrium between the hot and cold knobs of a shower system is a nearly impossible dance of little twists and turns that either scorch you or freeze you, and 99% of the time ends in you settling for a temperature that’s “close enough.”

But “close enough” is no way for you to live your life, and tests of this nature result in a loss of millions of gallons of water and thousands of frustrating minutes every year.

Not to worry, though. We have a solution for you, coming in hot. But not too hot. Just the right amount of hot. It’s actually the perfect temperature solution.

Showers that let you select water temperature. Hot tubs do it. Why shouldn’t showers be capable of the same thing? Imagine spending one morning after the installation of your fancy new human watering system finding your ideal cleansing temperature, up to a tenth of a degree in precision, and then using that temperature setting for the rest of your life. It’s like a less useful version of memory seating in fancy cars. Press a button on your door when you get in and boom, your seat is at exactly the right angle, with exactly the right lumbar support, the exact distance from the steering wheel and gas pedals you need for the perfect driving experience.

What, you might be asking, if my ideal water temperature is 103.4 degrees, but my younger brother is a sociopath who prefers a chilling 96.2 degrees? Easy. Each shower knob would have ten programmable temperature settings, and all it would take is two clicks to switch back and forth between yours and the one that sucks.

This is a pretty useful innovation – it brings showers up to speed with modern times. For that reason, I’m asking for 2% of profits for the next 15 years. And by asking I mean I’m going to sue you to the point of never being able to shower again if you don’t fork over my share.

Much love! I look forward to living in a world featuring your creation and my idea! Good luck, whoever makes this!  

Vitamin Toothpaste (#17)

No one actually takes daily vitamins on a routine basis. People barely take daily birth control, and being pregnant on accident sucks way more than not having vitamins in your body. Honestly, to be completely frank, I have no fucking clue what vitamins actually do. Make you healthier? Maybe. I don’t know.

Either way, science says you need vitamins (right?) so the world might as well innovate the easiest possible way to ingest them. Introducing: vitamin toothpaste, the simplest way for you to consume all the nutrients you need without even trying.

What if, when you brushed your teeth every morning to get them all minty fresh for the coming day, you also infused your gums with a whole alphabet of vitamins: A, B, C, D, Z, Y, X, and Q? Everyone knows you need vitamin Q. It’s the most essential of them all.

That shit would sell like hot cakes. Picture a frazzled mother of three rolling a basket up the hygiene aisle at Walmart, looking for some of that minty brush brush for the three animals hanging off of her legs and wailing like dying coyotes. In her distracted state – that’s when we take advantage of her using loaded words like “organic, healthy, grass-fed, all-natural, from the source, nutrient providing Colgate 3000 Supreme Vitamin-Infused Toothpaste.”

The word vitamin alone would be enough to catch her attention. Add in “organic” and it’s game the fuck over. Stores wouldn’t even be able to keep up with the demand.

So, Colgate, this is my pitch to you: how about we make a few billion dollars together? I came up with the idea. The only job left is to hire some chemical engineers to figure out the logistics. So easy. Let’s say 1% of profits for the next ten years. Fair?